I know the feeling all too well. Joints aching. Tired. Tears puddling just behind puffy eyelids. Feet almost too leaden to drag across chilled morning floors. Get up. Feed the dog. Brush hair and teeth and lint from shirt. Drag to work. Late again.
This is a day after gluten and sugar – an evening burger and a soda is all it takes for the food hangover. You’d think it would be easy to remember how it turns me into a puddle – all wishy-washy and frail-edged and snarled up inside. You’d think after the infinite number of times I’ve managed to feel fabulous after NOT going there, that I would never want to go there again.
But the days drag on – too many little pokes and prods and irritations and issues and the evenings roll around with the need for something – anything – that doesn’t chafe. Too tired to cook, to clean-up after. Just need to get home and eat something and go to bed in time to get up and do it all again.
What would make a difference? What could change to make the change? Something must because, as they say, if nothing changes – nothing changes. The changes needed here are too big. A new job and a cross-country move. I hear a lot of talk about being brave – living the life you want to live – just doing it – what’s stopping you – and on and on. Sounds good when you’re twenty, or thirty, or even forty. In fact, I did just that at fifty. It’s a little more complicated these days. A little more important not to walk away from a good job and an affordable home. Insurance. Family not so far away. It’s a little more complicated these days to wander off to a whole new place and take on the unknown.
And yet. . . . . . . . This place hasn’t been healthy for me. As a matter of fact this place has been really hard. There have been so many traumatic events in the last decade that no matter how I look at it, I can’t separate them from this place. Not that moving here was the cause of anything – but maybe because here can no longer be separated from those things. Deaths. Divorces. Critical Illness. Financial disaster. Terrifying weather. Serious depression. It’s been a lot on all our plates – my children and mine.
My entire life I’ve been an advocate of fresh starts. I’ve never seen a flaw in beginning again in a new place. Sometimes you need to brush off the cobwebs and move on. Not like running away, but more like running toward. I’m ready for a fresh start and a new place, but for now I need to hang on. I need to push through every day and try everyday not to give in to the exhaustion that drives the things that make it worse. Eat right. Exercise. Take vitamins. Do the right things and hang on, because it’s never about just choosing the wrong foods – it’s about peeling the onion layers, one after another, till you can find the heart of the problem, then layer by layer working back to a healthier, happier space. In a little while I’ll be up for it, and will start again. It’s what we do, right?